


6 Months Without You

by DeadMilitia



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Death, Established Relationship, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Therapy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-12
Updated: 2019-07-14
Packaged: 2020-06-27 06:22:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19785031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeadMilitia/pseuds/DeadMilitia
Summary: It's been six months but Dan is still grieving. It's not easy to lose your soul mate. Phil was the only person who ever fully understood Dan. He was the only person Dan had ever loved. Dan didn't think he'd be able to survive without Phil. Part of him doesn't want to.Dan finally decides to see a therapist. He's being a burden on his loved ones and he knows he'll never heal on his own. He's also sure he'll never fully heal.





	1. Therapy

**Author's Note:**

> This is an idea I've had for a while but haven't really known how to go about writing it. It's a bit of an experiment for me since I've never written anything like this. The base plot has been in my idea notebook and then Phil's video about them doing a house flipper series gave me some ideas but I still wasn't sure what to do with it. I think I have a pretty good plan in place now though. Please let me know what you think!

Dan sat in the waiting room chair and bounced his knee. He looked around at all of the other people in the room. Everyone looked so normal. If he saw these people on the street, he would never have guessed that they were in therapy. They didn't appear to belong here, unlike himself. He knew he probably looked like a troll that just emerged from its cave. That wasn't too far from the truth. He barely left the apartment and if it wasn't for friends and his family, he probably would have starved a long time ago. He knew his grieving was going on way longer than normal, and he was sure everyone was tired of it. He honestly hadn't expected their sympathy to stretch this long. But he figures that he looks so pathetic and they know he won't care for himself that they feel obligated to help. 

"Dan Howell," a woman in a black pant suit said from the hallway. Dan stood up and followed her down the hallway. "My name is Clare. I don't know how much they told you when you signed up, but today will just be an evaluation." 

"Okay," Dan replied, sitting in one of the black leather chairs. The office had plants all over it along with a small water fountain on a table in the corner. The running water and ticking clock were the only sounds. 

"Why don't we start with you telling me what brings you to therapy?" She said, folding her hands on the notebook she had resting on her crossed legs. 

"Well, the six month anniversary of the death of my boyfriend is coming up. I haven't been doing well and I figured that it's time to get help." Dan fought back the tears. He knew he would cry but he didn't expect to be crying from the very start. 

"What was his name?" She asked, her tone was sympathetic. 

"Phil," Dan choked on the word and cleared his throat. 

"What happened to him?" She asked gently. Dan was using every ounce of will power to not cry and her asking about it broke open the flood gates. He could no longer hold back the tears rolling down his cheeks. He grabbed a tissue from the box on the table next to him. 

"It was an accident." Dan sniffled, his voice was shaky. "We were in a car accident in a taxi. I got better but Phil," Dan trailed off, making a choked sound as more tears fell. 

"Take your time," she told him quietly. Dan gathered himself again before continuing. 

"Phil had been on the side that was hit. He was badly injured." Dan let out a small sob. It was the first time he had talked about the accident to anyone. 

"What are you hoping to accomplish through therapy?" Clare was keeping a quiet, sympathetic tone. Dan could tell she felt for her clients because he could see the hurt in her eyes. 

"I want to move through the grieving process. And I would like to learn how to continue living." Dan explained, dabbing his eyes with a tissue. 

"Where would you say you are in the grieving process?" 

"I don't know. I have barely left the house in six months. Everyone is still taking care of me. My friends and family are still bringing me food and I appreciate it because I probably wouldn't eat if they didn't." Dan made a gasping sound as more sobs threatened to come out. "I haven't slept in our bedroom, I haven't moved anything in the house. It looks exactly the same as the day we got in that car." Another wave of heavy tears hit Dan. 

"How about we start from the beginning? What were you and Phil doing that day?" Dan nodded his head. 

"I have to back track about a week before the accident. Phil and I are internet personalities and we had gotten this idea for a new series. It was July 6th." Dan swallowed back the tears the best he could as he told his story.


	2. Little Yellow House

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really wanted to have this out earlier but I didn't have time.  
> If you haven't read my other story "Safe Here" then I'll explain here, too. I'm currently studying for my HSE test. I start HSE Prep Class on the 24 (hopefully) so I'm a bit busy with that. My therapist, psychiatrist, case manager, and girlfriend are helping me so much with getting my life on track.

July 6th  
\------------

Dan stared at the phone screen being shoved in his face. On the screen was a pretty, yellow house with dark trimming. It had definitely seen better days but with some TLC it could be as beautiful as Dan was sure it had been at one point. 

"What do you think?" Phil asked, his blue eyes were sparkling from excitement. 

"You seriously think that we could fix up a house? Do you not remember our experience putting together furniture?" He asked, raising an eyebrow. 

"You never know, with a little practice we might be able to start our own house flipper channel." Phil said as he sat on his side of the couch, scrolling through the pictures of the house. 

"I can already hear the lawsuits being typed up." Dan said sarcastically, eyes going back to tumblr. 

"We could at least try it." Phil pointed out in his pouty tone. Dan rolled his eyes but had a smile tugging at his lips.

"Do you even know what all the house needs done? Is it, like, stuff we actually have a shot at learning how to do?" Dan asked, he knew he would end up going along with the idea. If it was a horrible idea, they could pay others to fix it up and then sell it. 

"Not entirely," Phil answered, the smile returning to his face. "The description says that it doesn't need huge fixes, just some interior fixes. And from the pictures, it seems like the outside could use a new coat of paint. And the yard good use a little remodeling." Phil showed Dan pictures of the house as he talked. 

"You really think we're qualified to flip a house? I think all of those home improvement shows have finally gotten to you." Dan joked. 

"That's another thing, I watch almost every home improvement and house flipper show out there. I'm bound to have picked up on some of the stuff they do." Phil pointed out, making Dan laugh. 

"That's like someone saying they seen every doctor show available and are now ready to perform surgery." Phil rolled his eyes playfully. 

"I think fixing up the interior and yard of a house would be a lot easier than surgery. Did you know there was a woman who built her own house just from watching YouTube videos?" 

"That's not true," Dan challenged with a chuckle. 

"It is, too!" Phil exclaimed, opening a new tab and searching for the story. He found it and showed it to Dan. 

"You really think we have what it takes to do this?" Dan asked, handing Phil his phone. 

"I think we can try. After all, we should "try new things," right?" Phil asked as he wiggled the shirt he was wearing. It was his own merch in black. Dan had a smile but tried to look annoyed. 

"Alright, if you really think we have a chance at this, then call about the house." Dan told him, finally caving in. It wasn't that he didn't want to do it, he was sure it would be fun. And even if everything goes horribly wrong, it would be a funny Dan andnd Phil series. The catastrophe it turned out to be would be very on brand for them. 

"I'll call in the morning." Phil told him with a big smile. 

\-------------

"Dan, wake up," Phil said, poking at Dan's cheek gently. 

"What?" Dan mumbled, not opening his eyes. 

"I called about the house and they set up for us to come look at it tomorrow." Phil said in a cheerful tone. 

"And you had to wake me up to tell me? It's too early, Phil." Dan whined, pulling the covers over his head. 

"It's noon. I called like three hours ago. I was too excited to wait any longer." Dan smiled a little even though Phil couldn't see it. He thought it was cute how excited Phil got over things. 

"Alright, what time?" Dan asked, knowing Phil probably wouldn't let him fall back asleep. 

"We have to be there at two." Phil said as he crawled into the bed behind Dan. He leaned over Dan who was still under the covers. Dan smiled as he felt the weight of his boyfriend on him. "Are you going to get up?" Phil pulled the covers down enough to see Dan's face. 

"Are you going to let me fall back asleep?" Dan asked, looking up at Phil with a small smile. 

"No," Phil replied, smiling down at his messy haired boyfriend. Phil leaned down and gave Dan a light peck on the lips. "Come on, let's get some lunch." Phil started to climb off of Dan but was grabbed and pulled back. 

"Lunch can wait a few more minutes. I'm not ready to get up yet." Dan whined, holding tightly on to Phil who rolled his eyes and laid back down. He stayed on top of the covers while Dan was under them. The younger man snuggled up against Phil's chest and Phil wrapped his arms around him. Dan was cuddling up in the warm blankets and Phil's arms. He closed his eyes again and relaxed in the scent of Phil. 

"I thought you were getting up?" Phil teased, squeezing Dan a little. 

"I will," Dan mumbled. It wasn't long before Phil was sure Dan had fallen back asleep. He decided to lay there for a while and hold Dan. He was a naturally cuddly person so he enjoyed these times when Dan was being cuddly. 

\--------  
Present Day  
\------------------

"Alright Dan, that's all the time we have for today. If you'd like, I can set you up with the psychiatrist. He might be able to help you. It's up to you, though." Clare told him. Dan wiped at his eyes again before nodding his head. If he wants to get better, he'll have to do what's best for him. 

"Yeah, I'd like to see him." Dan replied. 

"Alright, I'll get you set up with an appointment and the front desk will call you to confirm the date works for you. Also, you can stop by the front desk to make your next appointment with me." 

"Thank you," Dan replied. He stood up and Clare led him back to the end of the hallway. He kept his head down, knowing he looked a mess. Once he got outside, he stood still for a while to breathe in the air. He wasn't sure he could handle doing this every week. Talking about Phil was hard and the crying wore him out. He also didn't like the idea of working through his grief. He thought of it as him trying to "get over it." He never wanted to "get over" Phil. He felt that trying to move along his grieving process was unfair to Phil. He didn't want Phil to believe he was trying to move on from him. 

Dan had never really believed in the after life. He always figured you were bug food after death and nothing happened to your conscience. He really hoped he was wrong now though. He hoped there was some type of reward for good people after death. If anyone deserved an eternity of happiness, it was Phil.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter made me tear up at the end. Death is a very strange thing for me. Even as a Christian who believes in an after life. It's very hard for me to wrap my head around how in the end, this body is laid in the dirt for the bugs, and I'm not returning here. Even an after life is weird to me. I'll stop rambling now.


End file.
